Sex questions you're shy to ask

What could be more natural than sex? British philosopher Alain de Botton* firmly believed that in the modern world "the complexity of sex rivals that of higher mathematics."

Sex is a powerful force of nature that creates many problems. In private, we long to have those we don't know or love. Some people are willing to perform unethical or degrading experiments for sexual gratification. It's still not going to be easy — finally telling our real dear ones what we really want in bed.

"We secretly suffer from the painful strangeness of sex that we dream of or try to avoid," says Alain de Botton, answering the most pressing questions on the topic of pornography.

Why do people lie about their true desires?

Even though sex is one of the most intimate activities, it is still surrounded by many socially sanctioned ideas. They define what sexual norms are. In fact, very few of us fall into this concept, writes Alain de Botton in his book How to Think More About Sex.

Almost all of us suffer from feelings of guilt or neuroses, phobias and destructive desires, apathy and disgust. We're not ready to talk about our sex lives because we all want people to feel good about us. Lovers instinctively avoid such confessions for fear of provoking irresistible disgust in their partners.

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A lack of sexual activity in established relationships is associated with an inability to move quickly from routine to porn.

But when disgust reaches its peak, we feel acceptance and validation, and we experience intense erotic feelings. Imagine two languages exploring the intimate kingdom of the mouth—the dark, dank cavern only a dentist can see. The special nature of the union of two is defined by an act that would shock everyone else if it happened to them.

What happens in the bedroom for couples is far from the imposed rules and regulations. It is a consensual act between two secret sexual "Is" that finally opens up in front of each other.

Can marriage be destructive?

"The gradual decline in intensity and frequency of sexual activity in married couples is a biologically inevitable fact and evidence that we are absolutely normal," assures Alain de Botton. "Despite what the sex therapy industry is trying to prove to us, marriages must be revived through constant flashes of desire." Lack of sex in established relationships has been linked to an inability to move quickly from routine to porn. The qualities that sex requires of us are the opposite of the trivial bookkeeping of everyday life. "

Sex questions you're too shy to ask

Sex requires expansion, imagination, play, and loss of control, so, by its very nature, it violates the usual rhythms of self-restraint and regulation. We avoid sex not because it doesn't make us happy, but because its pleasure impairs our ability to do chores.

It's hard to move from a discussion about the food processor of the future to encouraging a spouse to try out a nurse's role or put on boots. It seems to us that it's much easier to ask someone else to do it -- ask someone we won't have to have breakfast with for the next thirty years.

Why do we take infidelity so seriously?

Despite public condemnation of infidelity, lack of desire for sex is irrational and unnatural. It’s the denial of power that dominates our rational selves, affecting our “erotic triggers”: “high heels and rustling skirts, smooth hips and muscular ankles”…

We get angry when confronted with the fact that none of us can have everything for the other. But this truth is denied by the ideal of modern marriage, with its ambition and belief that all our needs can only be met by one person.

We can't exist if we don't change ourselves internally, just like a divorce because of a family dispute.

“We are looking for the manifestation of love and sexual dreams in marriage, and we are disappointed. But it would be naive to think that cheating can effectively alleviate this disappointment. It is impossible to sleep with other people without harming things within the family Yes," Alain de Botton was sure.

When we’re not against online flirts who invite us to meet at a hotel, we’re faced with temptation. We were almost ready to risk our married life for a few hours of fun.

Advocates of love marriages believe that emotion is the most important thing. But at the same time, they are blind to the garbage floating on the surface of our emotional kaleidoscope. They ignore all these contradictory, emotional, and hormonal forces that try to pull us away in a hundred different directions.

We couldn't exist if we didn't change ourselves from within, and we didn't have the haste to think about strangling our children, poisoning our spouses, or getting divorced over arguments about who should change the light bulb. A certain degree of self-control is necessary for our human mental health and the full existence of a normal society.

"We are a chaotic set of chemistries. Thankfully, we know that external circumstances often conflict with our feelings. This shows that we are on the right path," concludes Alain de Botton.

*Alan de Botton - British writer and philosopher. Author of the best-selling books "The Joys and Joys of Work", "The Experiment of Love", "Concern about Status" and so on.